I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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