i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
