put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Say something about gay babies.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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