evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I need to stop coming to work sober
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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