We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
