I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
