i just had sex bonerless
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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