Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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