I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
