The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
