So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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