How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
