Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
