she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
