You made me cry and you don't even care
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
