I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
