Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
