You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I am one with the molecules
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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