Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Randomize
