are you so shy because you have an std?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
