this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
And then he peed in my hair
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