I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
