After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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