I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
