this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
