My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
