my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
