I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
