is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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