I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
