i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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