I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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