i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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