I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
