This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
