my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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