You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
