Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Houston, we have a blender
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
