i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
