Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
