i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
