Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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