stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
