remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
