I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
