U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
