Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm just crazy horny about you
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
