Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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