I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
