I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
