Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
