haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
