Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
